Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The Sun is Dying..

..OK, its not but I am waiting for the first person to suggest it is and I will slap them.

"Its the quietest its been for 100 years!"

Its an astronomical entity that has existed for millions of years and its a little late having one of its cycles. I think it has earned the chance to be fashionably late by what are, relatively, a couple of microseconds!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Optical Solution

Headaches are, well, a pain in the head. I've been suffering from them increasingly and despite trying some tried and tested methods, they have been coming back. They're not terrible, but they have been enough to toy with my concentration. Putting two-and-two together, I realised it was always when I was working on a PC or reading.

Time to go to the opticians.

Now I blogged a couple of years ago about a time when my hearing was messed up due to a virus and how I worried about the deterioration of a sense. My eyesight is something that I have felt quite happy and secure about for years. I have always had exceptionally accurate vision, especially at long distances.

As it turns out - yes, thats very true. I do have really good long distance vision. Pity my short distance doesn't quite match up! OK, thats a little hyperbolic. Apparently my eyesight is just on the way for the longsighted side. Its a slight adjustment thats needed, mostly in one eye. Age (Age ffs!) means that my eyes are no longer able to naturally balance this out themselves and therefore .... reading glasses.

It didn't really come as a shock to me, but it is a sign, I suppose, that I am beginning to age a bit. I'm 40 in 2011 etc.

I toyed with the idea of getting some horn-rimmed glasses and pretending to be Mr Bennett from Heroes, but thought the better of it. When they arrive, I shall let the world see - ironically, not that anyone will probably see them anyway as I doubt I will wear them outside the house, but still!

Thursday, April 16, 2009



The embedded version has been disabled...its being hit that many times.

If this doesn't move something, somewhere inside you, then you are either terminally cynical or dead. To see all those self-important, preening assholes in the audience and on the panel sneering and eye-rolling when she came on and then juxtapose it with their looks of utter shock when that lady starts singing - its magnificent and uplifting and just enough to remind us all that we can achieve things, if we don't hamper ourselves in the process.

I wish my Mam could have seen that. She was another homely, large lady who desperately wanted to perform but hadn't got the courage to do so because people would laugh at her. She would have cried tears of joy at that woman.

Regardless of what happens now - thats a real slice of WHAM! TV.

Monday, April 13, 2009

How Hard Could It Be?

I have tried to be my normal giving self, but Jesus, the Red Dwarf 'specials' were utter crap. They weren't funny, they weren't original and they left me with a very bad taste in my mouth. If the people behind it thought that a *yawn* despair squid scenario #3 combined with some ridiculously clumsy Blade Runner pastiches and the plot of the League of Gentlemen film was going to be entertaining, they ought to be shot.

I liked the fact that they jumped two series to escape the nightmare of Season Eight. I liked the fact that Kochanski was MIA, presumed dead. However, I think they missed a trick. This should have been the massive geek fest send off that I think people wanted. The cast are not getting any younger and it showed. This was not a pitch for a new series, this should have been a nostalgia fest.

So, here is the alternate Red Dwarf special. By me. Aged 38 and a half.

  • You have all of the cast, including Holly etc. Splash the cash.
  • Mysterious ship is seen on the scanner
  • Its from Earth! But before it can be contacted it is attacked by a Replicant fleet
  • The Replicants have been hired by the Gelfs to avenge the insult done to their High Chief's daughter by Lister. The Gelfs are holding Kochanski as she is Listers 'false wife'
  • Realising that Earth is NOT destroyed and that Holly has been a total smeg head, the gang have to flee the replicants and trace the flight of the ship back to Earth.
  • They realise that between them, they do not have the skills to get themselves back to Earth but they know people that do!
  • Use a number of old RD devices to summon up Uber-Intelligent Hilly, Ace Rimmer, The Female Lister and Dwayne Dibbly.
  • Hilly expires calculating the final route to Earth, through Gelf Space
  • Ace Rimmer holds off the Replicant fleet in Starbug but never makes it back...
  • Female Lister and Dwayne act as a diversion for the Gelfs
  • The crew rescue Kochanski
  • The crew manage to plot their way back to Earth, falling through the mother of Black Swirly things.
  • They get back to Earth as heroes and throwbacks.
  • Everyone gets their happy ending. Dave is made King of New Liverpool, with as much lager and curry as he wants - and settles down with Kochanski
  • Cat discovers that there is a Feline Outpost on the Moon, producing the finest fashion
  • Kryten is given a position as a cleaning droid, ala WALL-E
  • Rimmer discovers that holograms and humans have integrated and he is actually quite normal now.
  • Everything is going great, apparently, but we discover that the heroes are getting ... bored and lonely without their companions. Especially Lister and Kochanski
  • They decide to resign onto the next Jupiter Mining Corporation ship, the refitted Red Dwarf.
  • The series ends with everyone going about their duties and the Captain coming over the tannoy stating that the nozzle on the Chicken Soup Vending Machine on G-Deck. Could Senior Technician Arnold Rimmer please go and fix it.
  • Lister turns to the camera, shrugs and says 'Here we go again!' as everyone dives for the Statis chamber!

OK, so its not perfect, but its better than League of Red Runners bilge.

Dr Who was ace, however.