Max Payne...

I have very little to say about this film that can't be described in three words. Bridge to Terebithia.

OK, I might need a little explanation on top of that. Exhibit A - the Max Payne trailer



OK, so what can we take from that trailer? First half tells be, in words and pictures, that this is a supernatural movie. The second half tells me that this is an action film? Is that a fair assessment? I think it is.

I am, of course, wrong. Just like Bridge to Terebithia was advertised as a Narnia-esque children's fantasy and turned out to be an examination of the effect of death on the young psyche, Max Payne has no more to do with the supernatural than Toy Story II. Those winged creatures? Hallucinations brought on by some sort of supersoldier serum which the ... oh I could tell you more, but its just too silly. There are vague references to Norse mythology that have no tie to the film. 'The Devil is building his army...' - he might be, but not in this film, randomly injected voodoo stereotype. There is a woman who is some sort of russian ... I dunno, its never explained. She has a gun. Her sister gets killed. She has goons which disappear as soon as she gets a speaking role. She even says 'You know what I do...' No, pet, we don't - you have never said it. And your Russian accent disappears half way through the film as well!

It has three saving graces. Minor ones at that. First, the action scenes are reasonable. Nothing we haven't seen before, better, but at least they didn't mess it up (except for Max taking a shotgun blast and a full burst from a sub in the chest and just carrying in as per usual). Second, the Sin City style cinematography was pretty sweet. Not sweet enough, but very nice. Third, there is a rather nice sequence with Olga Kurylenko thats almost worth the price of admission *wink*

However, for the lame ass plot, the absolute fabrication of a trailer which completely missold the film, the holes in continuity that you could drive a planet through and just about some of the worst acting I have ever seen - and so much more - Ladies and Gentlemen, The Scorpion King has been dethroned. We have a NEW NEILS WORST FILM EVER - and it is MAX PAYNE.

I watch them, so you don't have to!